A couple of days back, last Thursday, I was processing a few things from the previous evening, added by more incidents from that morning at Dongri, which were triggering me internally. However, given my nature, I go into a silence mode, into a shell, while dealing with things that seem to overpower me. That day morning, as I was into the zone, there was a flurry of thoughts coming to my mind, many of which were reactionary and negative. These thoughts were trying to tempt me to respond to the circumstances in immoral ways and use inappropriate means to tackle a situation. As is often the case, it also triggered many other negative thoughts in all sorts of directions. As the incidents were continuing to unfold at Dongri, this storm was going on in my head, and I was very silent on the outside. I knew that words or actions in such a time could be highly reactionary or have negative consequences. My ‘Small Mind’ was trying to overpower me and my ‘Broad Mind’ was saying just stay silent and watch the thoughts arise and pass.
While all this was happening inside me, it was clearly affecting the outside atmosphere. My teammates could clearly sense the unusual silence and started asking me some questions. I had no responses to give, only a shake of the head and silence. It made them more and more uneasy. As time passed, all of us just made ourselves busy with doing some ‘hands’ work to prepare for an upcoming session. They were looking for a sense of comfort in the discomfort and there was a growing sense of worry for me. On the other hand, I was just trying to watch whatever was coming up. In the back of my mind, I was thinking that in the second half of the day, we would conduct the session that we had planned and with that, I would be in the flow (since I am generally able to put these things aside while interacting with the children or any 3rd person). And once that would happen, the internal and external atmosphere would lighten up and things would get better organically. With that hope, I remained silent through the lunch break. Soon after lunch, I actively started preparing for the session, getting my laptop ready, projector set-up and mentally rehearsing my bit. However, it was a day of trial for me – the children did not come for the session in time as they wanted to watch a movie, relax, or just take a nap. As we were waiting, my patience was running thin. Finally when they did come for the session, it was already a little late, and we wouldn’t have been able to finish our session. The manner in which they came was also a little triggering for me; in that moment it felt as if they were taking us for granted. I was barely holding myself back from reacting. I softly checked with the rest of the team as to what can be done for the session? They simply shrugged, not knowing what zone I was in, and what we could do in the limited time left. And I reacted to some degree. Reacted by sternly asking all the kids to leave that space and announcing that there wouldn’t be any session. When a couple of kids asked me why, I said because the ‘time’ had passed and since they didn’t show up when they had to. I instantly saw a big sense of disappointment on the faces of my team and we went back into a deafening silence. Each of us started working on something on our own and there was a lot of tension in the air, with a very uncomfortable silence. As we completed our work, we left early that day, with the silence continuing.
By the end of the working day, I had sunk. I felt that I had caused so much pain to the rest of the team because of the way I behaved. On the other hand, I felt that silence was the best way for me to deal with the internal storm and process all the thoughts that were arising. I felt that silence was violent that day. Silence became deafening. And yet, I couldn’t say anything to anyone. My teammates were worried about me, and I was guilty of hurting them. Fortunately, there was a full day event at Dongri the next day, which was a Friday and hence I promptly called for a Work From Home for that day. I got a long weekend to process what I was going through. As I write this on Sunday, I feel ready with renewed energy and moral anchoring to get back into the zone of working, with a sense of purpose. I feel ready to get myself back on track, with a healthy schedule and internal alignment.
Such days are a test to my moral compass, to the trust within my team, and to the genuineness of my intentions and work. I feel extremely grateful for everything and everyone that I have, because of which I am able to bounce back up. I hope that I can keep bouncing back higher up everytime I face such tests. :))
I’ll end with this quote that was shared by a RJ course facilitator, Camille:
“While we are building a house, we need a place to stay” … which means; while you are looking at your own shortcomings, be kind to yourself.
Love Joy Peace
